Do you know this girl?
Guess what... that´s me when I was about 18 years old.
It is kinda scary how much I changed, right? and I always try not to look at those photos again because I detest the way I looked back then. Not because I've been an awful person or ugly. But for the fact that those photos remind me of the most sensitive parts in my soul. The ones I don´t like people to touch because they are so fragile and easy to break. That has multiple reasons which lie in the past and I don´t wanna bring it up here, but my childhood and puberty were the most painful times in my life. Therefore I used my beginning adulthood to quit with all the negative things, all negative people and everything that can hurt me again.But still today I didn´t built an "armor" around me hard enough to survive all the mean and awful things in humanity and the world. On this old photo I see a girl that always obeyed people and didn´t want to attract their attention by any cost because she was afraid of them... but that´s over now.
So to come to the actual point why I tell you all of this:
I wanted to talk about being an individual or being individually. To make the differences clear: For me an individual is a living, breathing thing that has its own personality and therefore it is. It is one being for itself but can be categorized to a group (the individuals). But being individually can mean so much more I think. It is the thing that really devides us from the others, also when it comes to looks. Individuals in a group can all look the same and most times they like this feeling and they use to feel strong when in hordes. Being an individually looking person inside this group can change everything. It can change the way they look at you, how they talk to you and if they accept you as their comrade.
Today, even with all my problems from the past, I look much more different then the others and even my old self. And why is that so? Because I had it always deep within me to be like I am today. The pink hair (until I find a new color, lol), my undercut, my tattoos, wearing wierd stuff like hello kitty glasses and synthetic dreads... But even in this present, even if I have enough courage to stand up for the way I look now, some comments from others can bring me down by hurting the fragile parts of my soul (I talked about it before) like an arrow. How to act when it happens?
Yesterday was a day when it hit me again. I was with my boyfriend and some of our friends. In a silent minute, my boyfriends best pal turned his head to me. I wore completely normal dark clothing but my hair pink and I wore the
hello kitty glasses. I felt good and my boyfriend told me before that I would look so cute and I would be the crazy and surprising girlfriend he loves so much. But for his friend I seemed to be nothing more than ridiculous.
"Do you wear a wig?", he asked me.
"No, it´s all real hair. But the color will fade the next few times I wash them."
"Let´s hope that it will do quickly"
I said nothing in return.
"And then those glasses...", he started.
"What´s with ´em?"
"You think they suit you? You won´t tell me you wear them in public!"
"And if I do? What´s wrong with you? I like it! A bit of plastic and some pink in my hair can´t be the reason for you to suddenly start bullying me, right?"
He looked at me from head to toe and then he said: "Such things are the reasons people get normally bullyed for", as if I would provoke it!
I was to proud to show my boyfriends pal how much he´d angered and saddened me and kept my glasses on against the urge to take them off my nose. But yesterday night I thought a lot about what happened. Today my head is more clear and my soul healed and I think I´ll always go on looking the way I do now even if I get such comments. This is the right way to be and to stay the real me.
Would be interesting how you guys think about that. On one hand you can make your life more exciting and wonderful being individually and on the other you can make it worse because people will start to get mean to you. For some of you it might be no problem because you don´t give a shit what people say and I admire you for that because I can´t be that way even if I want to. My head says "Yeah, I give a shit!" but still my heart starts to ache and I can´t do anything about it...The only thing I am able to is not to obey anymore and therefore not to become the girl on the photo again...
I wish you all a nice day and stay as you are because it makes you all so damn unique and beautiful.
XoXo
